It seems to be that the struggle is real for most when it comes to relationship. Whether its with self or in relationships with others. And really it’s the delicate art of relating with another human being and understanding another person’s experience enough to be able to coexist with them for a certain period of time.
I’ve struggled with relationships with men my whole life. I’ve always felt like the “stepping stone”. The one who helps them on their way to growth while I just sit here waiting for my dreams to come true. It’s funny to me now as I write those words because why on earth was I ever thinking of myself as some doormat, some stopping place till the next go-around? There is some truth I suppose to the idea that perhaps I was a certain lesson to that person and perhaps with their next person they will not behave the same or approach that new person in the same way. That’s not a negative, that is a gift. And I am glad I could be that person for them. In every experience, however good or awful, I have grown because of it as well. Part of my problem with relationships is I never really sat down and said “What is it that I REALLY want?” For a long time it was also a question of self love and so for years I attracted equally incapable of love partners. That’s the not case anymore, but it’s taken years of lessons to learn what I know now. So, I think I’m safe when saying relationships with others is the quickest route to personal and spiritual growth. They’re also our reason for existing. Without relationship we would fail to exist. We have relationship of masculine and feminine within ourselves, but also outside of ourselves. Doesn’t matter what earthly form they take on, it’s all a delicate dance of energies.
But why is relationships the hot topic lately? I feel the subject is showing up more strongly right now because our heart chakras are being activated and opened. Stretched and cleared to allow in higher frequencies of energy as Mother Earth herself raises in frequency. We are all one, divinely and collectively connected, so as the Shumann effect continues, we will indeed upgrade our systems as well. What flows in and out of the heart chakra? The giving and receiving of universal love, self love and love for others.
As a healer, we are sought out for help during relationship crises often. We are asked to decipher thoughts, hopes, dreams and insight about partners or potential partners. Emotions can become the focal point very easily and for women it is our language. So it’s not shocking that relationships are the hot topic in energy healings or the tarot reading spread I’m doing most often. (To be perfectly honest it’s the hot topic during some of my healer friend conversations too!) I find it fascinating that when the mind stirs up the pot of emotions, suddenly that other person becomes a black hole of mystery! You could have a very solid grasp on how your partner operates or feels, but the second you get emotionally triggered it’s like someone flipped the light switch to OFF and now you have partner amnesia. Or perhaps you have self amnesia and you have no idea what it is you’re doing or want, the only thing you want is OUT! Emotions are also the nasty culprit to trigger past relationship hurts, experiences and pain. So it’s not entirely shocking that problems start to arise in new relationships once emotions kick in. I would assume this is more so the case for someone who has been in more insecure and toxic relationships than healthy ones. But none the less, emotions will create an interesting tapestry of color on your relationship’s heart wall.
A few weeks ago, during a conversation with a healer friend, she started asking me if I was asking questions about all these things I wanted to know directly to this person I was asking her about or if I was just sitting there wondering. And I was in fact, just sitting there wondering and not asking. There is a certain amount of fear associated with asking questions for me. A. It puts me in a vulnerable spot because what if that person isn’t even on the same wavelength and here I’m asking these deep, intricate, questions and B. What if I don’t like the answer. Sometimes ignorance, really is bliss. And sometimes fear wins.
So, after that conversation I realized, we really have more control in the creation of our relationships than we give ourselves credit for and we have the opportunity to learn from our partners in a magnitude of ways, should we allow ourselves and our partners to pave the way in that process. If I can generalize the language of women for a second and dive into what I know about lesbian relationships, I think they operate in a fashion that is actually quite interesting and do I dare say, works better to some degree? (or perhaps I’m just biased) It isn’t any real secret that women are more emotionally driven than men. From what I see in these relationships is that women are not afraid to put it all out there and FAST. That’s where the “What does a lesbian bring to the second date? A Uhaul!” joke comes from I believe. It’s not really a laughing matter (even though it IS kind of funny) but ladies do have matters of the heart down to a science and when you put two of them together it makes sense then that there will be a quicker emotional connection. What I’ve found with my lesbian friends is that they are A. Authentic human beings (because coming out in a country that doesn’t fully support coming out, is a huge step in authenticity and honoring who you are B. Move fast in relationships because the emotional connection is established early on. C. Communicate with honesty and integrity in regards to what it is they want. I’m not saying all lesbian relationships are like this. Obviously, we react differently to those who we do not see alignment with or for people who may not have the best emotional intelligence. But if I can break it down a bit, here are some key points that ideally make sense to me to make the relationship dance an easier, healthier and happier process. With both men and women alike. 🙂
They go a little something like this:
We need to communicate better in our relationships.
Ask Questions
Allow yourself and your partner to be vulnerable
Say exactly how you feel and not hesitate to express how you feel.
Do all of the above. Often.
It’s in the hesitation that we wind up showing up less and not being truly authentic in our relationships. This comes back to relationship with self too. We need to be honest with ourselves in the same fashion. Dig deep within and ask yourself questions. Journal. Write that shit down! There is a magnificent power in the written word when it comes to manifesting in life. There is power in watching those same words burn when you want to let go and erase parts of your past once and for all. So figure it out! Jot it down. What do you want and what are you willing to give? Dive deeper and ask yourself what you’ve been avoiding in the past and are you willing to face those fears with a new person? Are you willing to be vulnerable? What do you love about yourself? What don’t you love about yourself and how can you change that not so nice judgement into loving yourself more? Once we know where we stand on a personal and spiritual level with ourselves, we will be able to mirror that same love in our relationships.
My biggest piece of advice: Don’t hold back. Holding back in anything is a form of restriction and restriction feeds fear/lack/scarcity. We enter relationship to experience. The hearts intention in experience with another is to love. Which at our very core is what we are made of. So let your hearts get to know one another. You are in fact playing with the fire of the soul and magnificence of the heart when we are in experience with another human being in this way. So perhaps we should stop denying that very simple truth and let it be as it is? So maybe we don’t fall madly in love, maybe we find a new best friend. Maybe we slowly grow to love someone or maybe we find a casual playmate for a while. It doesn’t really matter how the relationship plays out, so long as you’re okay with the flow of it. So long as it’s authentic to what you know in your heart you are here in this experience for in the first place. If you are wanting marriage or a long term partner and the person you’re with is in it for a fling, I think you didn’t do your job asking questions or paying attention. What matters is that we show up. What matters is that we allow ourselves to be seen as the bold and beautiful soul/self that we are. When we hold back, hesitate, resist, or avoid, we wind up not showing up to our partners in authenticity and that is how more pain is created. That’s how judgments form and protection tactics raise their ugly heads. Judgement is the opposite of love. Judgment is feeding fear and will destroy what ever is left between the two of you. So Stop the pain. Start the love. Show up. Be the love that you are and love with all the fierceness in your heart. You’ll be well on your way to heartfelt bliss with zero ignorance to support it. Because there is no room for ignorance when you are walking in your authenticity and love in action. ❤
2016: The Year of Completion, Truth and Divorce 